The Advance of the Cougar

Flummoxed. That seems to be the most appropriate word to describe my mental state when, this past summer, I first learned of the word, “Cougar”. A quick search on Urban Dictionary could define this rather nasty term – nasty in the sense not only of its inherent derisiveness, but also of the type of behavior which it connotes.

Nonetheless, for the novice, like (apparently) yours truly only three short months ago, a Cougar is an older woman, usually in her late-thirties to late-forties, who romantically pursues younger men in a nightlife setting. I have heard reports of women in their fifties, as well.

Again, flummoxed. “Who are these women?”, was my first question. Are they not married with husbands, and even children? If not, then, quite frankly, they should evacuate as soon as possible the celebratory areas reserved for younger bachelors and spinsters, older couples, and friends of all ages.

Like the teenager who makes a fool of himself in his first forays into public drinking, the Cougar is simply not welcome. I cannot condemn her behavior without any caveats, however, for the current state of marriage in our society can reasonably be pinned as a cause for this deviant, irksome habit. Thinking realistically, her desire to find a companion at so late an age is likely the result of a) a divorce, probably of the no-fault kind; or b) a refusal to get married until she was “financially stable”.

Yet, whatever could serve as a mitigating circumstance, her behavior is still laughably appalling and horrifically shameless, especially when her prey is decades younger. God help her if she has any children.

Coming back to my own personal experiences, I must say with the utmost annoyance that the Cougar really is a social malady, emblematic of a bastardized culture which no one in this “tolerant” age of ours even thinks of seriously condemning.

As I hail from the Rhode Island town of East Greenwich, I can confirm that in many northeastern, seaside towns, to spend an evening and early morning at a dockside bar is rather common, when money is good and leisure appropriate. Yet the Cougar – and, of course, the trashy entourage that follows her everywhere – ruins it all.

Fights over men. Shouting after consuming too much Smirnoff and Mike’s Hard. Low-cut dresses that stopped fitting 10 years ago. Refusals to acknowledge any social signals to desist, no matter how blatant they may be. Incessant references to the 80s, a decade which died a slow death and which should never be referenced in polite society. And who could forget the attempts at “dancing how the kids do”?

During my one week in East Greenwich this summer, one night was, without question, ruined by Cougar antics, when I got into an argument with my brother over how professional police should respond to a Cougar drunk behind the wheel. At least one other night had the potential to be ruined when a fight nearly broke out between a friend and a member of a Cougar’s entourage, over whether a borderline case actually qualified as a Cougar.

That the Greenwich Bay was yards away only added to my desire publicly to declare war on the Cougar and the unpleasant company which she invariably seems to keep. However, my shirt that night was dry-clean only, so what could I do?

I cannot be the only person with these feelings. I cannot be the only person who finds comfort in the fact that, when I return home as the sun rises, my mother and father are just waking up after having gone to bed at a normal hour. I cannot be the only person who curses when a certain bar must be avoided on a night known informally as Cougar Night. Check my facts if you must, and visit either Harbourside Lobstermania in East Greenwich, or The Landing in Newport, on a Saturday night. (Bring a wedding ring, though.)

A brief attempt at explaining this modern phenomenon was proffered earlier, though the whole thing still perplexes me. When did such behavior become common? Why is it that so many older adults insist on acting as though they were still in college, or still a twentysomething new to a career?

I think that I may have identified another symptom of the coarse, loose culture of the modern age, but not the root cause. Perpetually casual dress, for instance, may be yet another symptom.

And so, if you are put off by the Cougar and a real world that is beginning every day to resemble the hideous world portrayed in such sitcoms as Sex and the City, go back in time. Jot down a few potential root causes. Ask your parents and grandparents if life were always like this. Ask them when things started to mutate.

You can bet that a certain decade is on my list.