A Stranger in a Strange Land

Two weeks before the spring break of my freshman year at Brown, I had a difficult choice to make.

My father had offered to me the opportunity to spend the break in Cancun with my stepmother and their three children. While the prospect of finally exposing my skin to sunlight after a long tenure in the Northeast was inviting, the idea of doing the things that I would want to do in Cancun under full parental supervision certainly wasn’t. That prospect aside, I had one other option. My high school buddy Mike had invited me to spend the break at his school, Brigham Young University, in Provo, Utah. Mike was especially eager to see me because, due to his upcoming two year mission for the Church of Jesus Christ and Latter Day Saints (hereafter LDS), we would not be able to meet again until I turned twenty. And so, I accepted my friend’s invitation, not knowing what I was getting into. As it turned out, I thoroughly enjoyed my break, gaining appreciation for the wholesome parts of this otherworldly place yet also acknowledging where its purism went too far.
Before flying out, I did have some idea of the restrictions on my behavior that would be required at a Mormon university. Mike had already warned me that he would give me a good punch in the jaw every time I mentioned anything sexual. Also, I was told that I would have a “0% chance” of “getting any” while within a fifty mile radius of BYU’s campus; half-jokingly citing the almost crippling innocence of the BYU student body, Mike said that it would be to my advantage not to speak about almost any aspect of Brown social life.

After my plane landed at the Salt Lake City airport, I had to take a shuttle to Provo. Along the way I struck up a conversation with the driver about the LDS Church and life in general. The driver’s name was John, and he and his family had emigrated from England to Utah in order to be closer to the center of the LDS Church. He revealed to me that in fact, while the Temple is still in Salt Lake City, Provo has become an equally important nerve center of the faith: the population in Provo is 95% Mormon, and BYU puts out thousands of young LDS graduates every year. Although it might be hard to believe, given the already huge proportion of Mormons in the city, Provo actually has the highest conversion rate of any place in the world. As we were continuing to discuss the many differences that Mormonism has with contemporary Christianity, the driver pulled in to the BYU campus. I had to cut off our conversation as I took my suitcases out of the van. He departed, and I waved goodbye to a man whom I had the distinct impression was one of the happiest I have ever met.

I was glad to see Mike. Though tired, I was eager to take a tour of his part of the campus. When I arrived at his dorm room, I already had my first question: why were there no girls in this building except on the bottom floor? Mike explained that men and women are strictly segregated while in BYU residential buildings. Each sex is allowed to go no further than the bottom floor of the opposite sex’s dorms, except during established visiting hours, throughout which all doors have to remain open. But perhaps more remarkable than the regulations themselves is the fact that they are strictly adhered to, even in the absence of supervision. Not once in my entire visit did I observe a rules violation; BYU students view the many constraints on their actions as directives from God that cannot be disobeyed, rather than arbitrary guidelines set down by the administration.

As I took the elevator up to Mike’s room, I asked him what kept the students from behaving as normal unsupervised teenagers would. Mike responded that, upon matriculation, every student has to sign an Honor Code and adhere to it throughout enrollment at BYU, under penalty of severe disciplinary action or expulsion. The Honor Code covers academic integrity issues (such as plagiarism) as well as interactions with the opposite sex, grooming standards, and religious involvement.
Mike’s roommate Spencer, though only a sophomore, was twenty three years old and a returned missionary. His extraordinary religious zeal was clear from the start: he read the Scriptures frequently, observed and often conducted religious activities, and absolutely believed that the LDS Church was the chosen church of God. To a Brown student, his level of religious absorption might be viewed as radical, even dangerous. But at BYU it was absolutely ubiquitous. As an atheist, I relished the prospect of a theological argument with Spencer, though decided early on that first night that I would wait, and get some much needed sleep instead.
I awoke the next morning and went down to the dining hall for breakfast. There, I was greeted by several of Mike’s friends, including a young couple by the names of Jacob and Allyson. It was here that I first observed with my own eyes the incredible relationship naiveté of BYU students; their relationship was so reminiscent of the third grade that it made me sick just to look at them together. In his typical manner, Mike jokingly acknowledged the stultifying lack of opposite gender knowledge in most BYU relationship, aside from marriage. When they kissed privately, James was often so afraid of being seen that he kept his eyes wide open for intruders, which looks as ridiculous as it sounds.

Mormon teenagers like Jacob and Allyson know nothing of sexuality outside the context of marriage. In a dating environment where holding hands is first base and marriage is a home run, there is no opportunity for such knowledge to be gained. If a couple is not married, the absolute farthest they can go is making out. The Honor Code forbids, under penalty of expulsion, any sexual interaction outside of marriage while enrolled at BYU (including all interactions while home for the summer, etc.). In relationships, exciting physical options are quickly exhausted due to this rule, leaving the couple with no choice but, well, to talk. According to Mike, twelve months of dating in the outside world is equal to one month of dating at BYU, simply because couples are forced to find out if they actually like one another. And I can say without reservation that BYU couples, while perhaps cartoonish in their lack of experience, did indeed have the most meaningful college dating experiences that I have ever encountered.

I hung out with Mike for a couple days while he went about his studies. Displaying his casual laziness (thankfully made up for by his brilliance), he put off homework for a day and offered me the chance to go swimming in the BYU pool. This was my first chance to contrast my Ethiopian famine-victim physique with the toned bodies of BYU. They are a truly beautiful group of people, as Mormonism places a heavy emphasis on personal appearance and health. One would imagine that with so many six-packs and DD’s roaming about, sexual tension would run high, and indeed it does: couples are known to become so frustrated that they decide to marry after only a month of dating, leading to an explosion of “quickie” marriages not unlike the Hollywood marriage scene. The key difference is that the couples remain married forever and are generally quite happy. The rabbit-like Mormon fertility rates reveal that it’s game-on when the wedding bells ring, but, as stated earlier, unmarried couples are honor-bound to being strictly asexual (including activities such as masturbation and oral sex). A practice known as “gazing” has developed as a response to this. “Gazing” involves a couple taking off their clothes while behind closed doors and simply staring at one another. While in the strictest technical sense this flouts church regulations, church leaders are not amused. A few glances at the attractive women all around me at the pool convinced me that holding myself back as a student here would drive me absolutely crazy.

Later that night I witnessed a pivotal moment in a young Mormon man’s life – the opening of his mission letter. The letter tells the young man exactly where the church has decided he will be for the next two years. Though financial aid is available, it is mostly up to the boy’s family to furnish the funds for him to go. It is considered an honor to be able to go on a mission, and in this case the joy was not dampened in the least bit by the fact that he was being sent to south-central Brazil.

The predetermined disappearance of several thousand young men at BYU all at once creates a strange situation for BYU women. The chosen time for missions is when the young man turns nineteen, so this usually means that missionaries return to BYU as twenty one year old sophomores. Women are allowed but not encouraged to go on missions, and entering freshman are acutely aware of the fact that they will be gone for two years very soon. The result of this is that freshman males at BYU forgo dating in such terrifying numbers that the administration hands out “Datestrong” rubber bracelets to encourage them to at least attempt. Young women typically date the older and wiser returned missionaries.

As the rest of my Spring Break went by, Mike continued to put off work, and my astonishment at this otherworldly place never diminished. I chose my last night there to stage my theological showdown with Spencer. The argument ran along the usual lines. The difference lay in Spencer’s wide knowledge of all scripture related to the Mormon faith. He provided an exceptional amount of backup for all the claims he made (though naturally I dismissed the claims due to the biased source). The argument became circular over time, and we resolved in the end to agree to disagree. The experience was one of the most psychologically intense that I have ever had. Mentally exhausted after this exchange, I went over the experience with Mike. Not angered in the slightest by my challenging his faith, Mike in fact felt that the experience was good and perhaps necessary for me. I told Mike that my experiences at the university had been so overwhelming that I was prepared to make a sacrifice in order to feel at least a part of what young Mormon men feel every day: I promised never to drink again, and I have kept that promise to this day.

The following morning, I left for the airport to fly to Providence. My visit to BYU had yielded me a hat, a “Datestrong” bracelet, and a prohibition – not your typical spring break. In early July, Mike called to tell me that he had received his mission call for Sydney, Australia. I won’t see him for two years, but at least he wasn’t called to serve in a dangerous Third World country.

So long as I retain full control of my mental faculties, I will not convert to Mormonism. I would not, however, fault others for joining this fascinating and growing faith. While I believe that the LDS church goes too far with some of its restrictions, these faults appear to be correcting themselves over time. We should all be able to admire the Mormons for their strong families, happy lives, and steadfast dedication to their faith.