“Social Dynamics” at Brown UniversityThings not to do at a Brown Party

It’s a Friday evening and I’m in my room partaking in one of my favorite pastimes – reading my textbook for class next Tuesday. Class discussions are wonderful, but I have other ambitions on my mind. I glance at the clock and the display shows 9:30, just enough time to shower, grab a bite to eat, and decide what to wear before going out. Why am I going out? Maybe last weekend I wanted to work on my social skills, or perhaps I went out just to have a good time and hang out with friends. Tonight, there’s a different reason. Tonight, I have aspirations to meet someone particularly fascinating. Tonight, I just might meet the girl who makes me feel absolutely amazing, who puts the twinkle in my eye and gets my heart and adrenaline pumping.

However, unlike other Brown males I have encountered, I will not depend on alcohol to meet my special someone. Binge drinking culture is very popular here at Brown; we think the alcohol will increase their approachability in social circles, and subsequently drink until inebriated or even worse, EMS’d. But the simple fact of the matter is that you will never appreciate your own strength, and women will never appreciate you at the level that you deserve, unless you mature into a willingness to approach without “liquid courage.”
My buddy and I, both sober, enter the place and look around to see if any of our friends have already arrived. They have not, and we immediately talk to the first person we want to meet. There is no hesitation because hesitating will immediately lower your chances of acceptance and ability to gain rapport. We talk to a group of three girls dressed stylishly, one of whom is wearing a zebra striped shirt. I tell her that she reminds me of Wilma from the Flintstones but that she should change her hairstyle and take off her shoes to fit in better. This may sound like a ridiculous thing to say, but I’ve found that it is much better to be ridiculous than to be boring. Not only am I entertaining, but I’m confident in a joking manner, and on top of that, I’m sober, and fully present. She sees who I am, and genuinely enjoys me.

When you approach a female at a club or party, it is important to be having fun. If you’re already having fun, your chances of meeting someone and having an even better time go way up; everyone is attracted to positive energy. If you’re nervous and are worried about what to say or do then you’ll come across as insecure and not particularly fun. No one will want to be around you. We talk to the group a bit more, and I take Flintstone’s phone number before her group does the girl trip (that’s when they hold hands to the bathroom and then discuss the night’s events while they pee).

At this point, I could be congratulating myself, or perhaps quickly downing a few shots to kill time until the girls return. (How many times have you used a back-and-forth to the bar as an excuse?) Instead, I remain present. I spot a very attractive blonde girl to my right. She’s talking to a guy well above my height, who has massive biceps, brawny shoulders, and slick shoes. This does not deter me. Women are not attracted to men who are good looking; they are attracted to men who are attractive. I walk up and ask the guy where he got his shoes, because I am genuinely interested in where he got them, and if all else fails, I will have a nice fashion lead. He mentions a shop only found in Italy, while I smell a strong scent of whiskey on his breath. At that moment I can tell by his body language and tone, as well as the heavy scent of whiskey, that he is merely hitting on this girl, and doing a poor job of it.

Most guys end up getting too drunk because they fear vulnerable social situations and use alcohol to artificially boost confidence. They drink to the point of embarrassment and impotence, and will later attempt to laugh away their failures. If you’re a guy who wants to get over his fear of approaching women, then guess what: The only way you’re going to be able to do that is to push through the fear a couple times and talk to girls sober until you gain confidence in your social intelligence!

After small talk with the guy for a minute or so, I transition to the girl and ask her about herself. Since I’m more interesting than the other guy, she wants to talk to me regardless of looks, and he eventually walks off because he’s too intoxicated to think of anything interesting to say. Her name is Samantha and as we make eye contact I can feel the tension increase. My stomach churns as she asks me to dance. I’m in a lucky situation at this time because I am going to the floor with a girl rather than trying to meet one there. And I am genuinely excited.

As she takes my hand, we leisurely strut to the dance floor and sway in the strobe light. I peer at the crowd with my peripheral vision. One thing you want to avoid when you go to the dance floor alone is appearing like you’re part of the hyena pack that walks around the room on the outside of the dance floor. You know what I’m talking about: the guys who are either swerving through the crowd every five minutes or are just eyeing the girls from a distance because they’re too afraid to approach them. Those guys are either too drunk to talk about anything interesting and get to know a girl first, or too afraid. Ultimately, the result is that they crawl up from behind and essentially jump the girl by grabbing her and forcing her to freak-dance. This is the sneakiest trick in the book because the girl has no idea who you are or what you are about, and you have left all the choice in her hands as to whether dancing will continue or whether you will get a chance to talk to her afterwards. And you give her the power to simply dismiss you as “creepy.” If she sticks with you, she’s just as likely too drunk herself to care about self-respect, and just as shallow and fearful as you are. But, of course, you have no idea, as you’ve done nothing to qualify her.

We are on the dance floor. Her shoulders are soft and bare. This night I feel alive and sensually stimulated by her tender touch. I am confidently vulnerable to this female’s presence. After dancing for an hour or so, the friend I came with and I decide to leave and get some food. I invite Samantha but she politely declines and gives me her number. I will call her in the next few days and find out if she is indeed as exciting as she seemed.